Do I Need a Driver's License to Drive?
by Ryeflight
Summary: Don't. Ever. Let. Anakin. Skywalker. Do. Anything. Your neighbor's house will explode, the airport security people will chase you with fire in their eyes, you'll be tied to the roof of a moving car, the house will be surrounded by a vicious assortment of Venus Fly Traps, Ahsoka will prowl the yard with garden shears, and you will owe Mrs. Wierman a LOT of money. T for language.
1. Driving, AKA FLOOR IT AND HONK

**I know I have stories I need to update. Sorry about that. This entire "story" is basically a Q &A between a slightly OOC Anakin Skywalker and a random Q&A person. The entire story was written by passing a computer back and forth between Batmanrules101 and myself on a seven hour car ride back from Vermont. It's uploaded under both of our accounts, however, the title may be different. We apologize for the fact that the characters seem a bit OOC. **

**Disclaimer: We don't own SWTCW, nothing in this story is not meant to offend anyone. This includes *takes a deep breath* pedestrians, people who work in office buildings, people in traffic, elephants, people who cross the street, Muslims, Mexicans, construction site workers, grandmothers, guys, tractor drivers, blind people, driving teachers, passengers, trains (and train drivers), road making companies, motorcycle gangs, bikers, car wash employees, drive thrus, police, car drivers, women, the IRS, drunk people, tractor trailer drivers, rest stops, children, driver's ed, bridges, tolls, the Amish, China, Mexico, Idaho, Delaware, the airport, jail, wingmen, farm animals, farmers, and the Mafia. Also, anyone else who we forgot to mention. However, offense meant to Donald Trump. Lots and lots of offense. Now, on with the Q &A! (I promise the "Is your name Anakin Skywalker" does not persist throughout the entire story. Just the beginning.)**

Q: What was that bump?

A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?

Q: Yes.

A: You have struck a pedestrian.

Q: What is all that screaming?

A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?

Q: Yes.

A: You have crashed your car into an office building.

Q: Why am I falling?

A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?

Q: Yes.

A: You have driven off a cliff. Good luck.

Q: Should I stop at a stop sign?

A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?

Q: Yes.

A: You never do.

Q: Should I be driving at all?

A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?

Q:Yes.

A: No.

Q: Do I need a driver's license to drive

A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?

Q: Yes.

A: YOU DON'T HAVE ONE AND YOU STILL DRIVE! YOURS WAS REVOKED 2 YEARS AGO! AND YES!

Q: What's this other pedal next to the gas? I never use it.  
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?

Q: Yes.  
A: It's the brake. You are supposed to use it to stop, and we know.

Q: Why is there traffic?

A: So that you have an obstacle course to drive through at top speed. Points for every pedestrian you hit.

Q: Should Anakin be driving?  
A: Do you have a brain?

Q: So… no?  
A: NO!

Q: What kind of car is the fastest?  
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?

Q: Yes.  
A: A giant snail. It's also the safest.

Q: I don't give a rat's ass about safety.  
A: We know. So does anyone who has ever been in the same vehicle as you.

Q: Who has the right of way at a four way stop?  
A: Whoever can get their car going the fastest first.

Q: I knew it.  
A: That was sarcasm. No one actually knows this. So we use the Anakin system of rev your engine and floor it.

Q: What do you use when driving through a hurricane?  
A: Depends on two things: Your level of stupidity, and how many elephants you have to keep the car on the ground.

Q: Am I good at driving?  
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?

Q: Yes.  
A: Oh! I have a prize for you. It's around here somewhere . . . Ah ha! Here it is. Reality's worst driver, Universally recognized.

Q: Should I stop when someone is crossing the street?  
A: Are they immediately related to you?

Q: No.  
A: No.

Q: How do I stop crashing my car?  
A: Is your name Anakin Skywalker?

Q: Yes.  
A: Don't drive. Ever.

Q: What is the difference between a red, yellow, and green light?  
A: Red means floor it and pretend to be blind, green means floor it, and yellow means floor it like hell because it will turn red and your blind person impression is convincing on the day Donald Trump joins hands with Muslims and Mexicans to sing Kumbaya.

Q: What should I do if I am stuck in bad traffic?  
A: Floor it. Your car will go through the other cars. If not, please call 1-800-DONT-SUE-OUR-ASSES

Q: Why is my car sinking?  
A: You drove off the beach and into the ocean when you fell asleep with your foot pressed against the gas pedal.

Q: What should I do when there is a construction site in front of me?  
A: Floor it and honk. They will move. If they don't, it's their fault.

Q: Why is my car flying?  
A: You hit some guy's grandmother and he threw your car through the air when you refused to apologize, claiming you were blind and that she shouldn't be wearing a grey nightgown on a foggy day.

Q: Who should teach me to drive?  
A: No one will. They heard about what happened to the last one.

Q: Who is yelling in my backseat?  
A: Are you currently driving?

Q: Yes.  
A: That would be the people who for some reason voluntarily entered a car you were driving.

Q: What happened to my steering wheel?  
A: You threw it at the guy whose grandmother you hit with your car. That's the other reason why he threw your car.

Q: What should I do if I am tired when driving?  
A: You should go to sleep. With your foot firmly tied to the gas pedal.

Q: How do I stop my car on an icy or wet road?  
A: When do you ever stop the car? You don't know what the brake pedal is.

Q: There's a brake pedal? For what?

A: Stopping.

Q: Do I have the right of way?  
A: Yes.

Q: How do roundabouts work?  
A: No one knows. Floor it and honk your horn with your hand you are not currently eating a donut with. Or your forehead if you are fending off vicious passengers from the backseat.

Q: What does a stop sign mean?  
A: Nothing. It's a prank designed by the road making companies to trick you into letting the passengers tear you away from the gas pedal.

Q: If the gates are down, the lights are flashing, and the train is honking, should I try and beat the train?  
A: Of course. If you don't make it to the tracks before them floor it and honk. They will stop.

Q: Should I wear a seat belt?  
A: A what?

Q: What is the purpose of airbags?  
A: They are another prank. Be careful though, passengers may activate them in an attempt to pry your cold dead feet away from the gas pedal, which of course you are pressing with both feet.

Q: Should I wear a helmet when riding a motorcycle?  
A: A what?

Q: How do I steer?  
A: Yank the wheel in random directions and honk if any object is in front of you. They will move to the side politely.

Q: Even this brick wall?

A: Of course.

Q: Why is Obi - Wan yelling at me? What did I do!?  
A: Are you driving?

Q: Yes.

A: That's why.

Q: What is the purpose of a car wash?  
A: It is a fun amusement park ride. Hide in the car and don't let the employees see you.

Q: What is the purpose of a drive-thru, such as McDonald's or Dunkin Donuts?

A: It is a parking lot.

Q: What are those motorcycle gangs doing?  
A: They are showing off motorcycles. Follow them to their next rest stop and take one of the bikes. They won't mind.

Q: Should I join a motorcycle gang?  
A: That depends. How many motorcycles have you stolen over the years?

Q: What happens if there are bikers on the road?  
A: Swerve wildly around them and scream obscenities at them for daring to be in your way. Do this even if they are in the biker lane. Bonus points if you flip them off.

Q: Should I own a Ferrari?  
A: You should not own any vehicle that has an acceleration speed of over -1 mph.

Q: What is a speed bump?  
A: This is yet another prank. You should floor it and laugh when the vicious passengers are thrown around hilariously in the backseat. Make sure not to laugh too long though, they may take this opportunity to mutiny.

Q: Why is there a police car chasing me?  
A: They are trying to play tag. Whatever you do, keep driving and don't let them catch you. If you lose tag, they will try to repossess your license. Steal one from someone else and floor it.

Q: Ahsoka has chips. I want them, but I am driving. What do I do?  
A: You should continue to hit her with the hand you are using to keep the passengers from dragging you out of the driver's seat, smash your donut in her face, and turn the steering wheel in random directions with the foot not flooring the gas pedal.

Q: What is the purpose of roadside railings?  
A: They are roads for the thrill seeking prone.

Q: If I am on the highway and all the drivers are going a different way, am I doing something wrong?  
A: No. They are just pulling your leg and trying to get you to think you are doing something wrong. Floor your car and play chicken with them.

Q: What are the lines on the road for?  
A: They are decorations. Paint over them while driving at top speed screaming "I AM A LINE THIEF! YOU CAN'T GET ME! NA NA NE BOO BOO!"

Q: Why are there telephone poles next to the road?  
A: They provide electrical power for people. You should weave in and out of them for fun. Don't worry, no one cares if you knock them down.

Q: There is a slow tractor on the road. How do I get it to go away?  
A: Honk at it. Then floor your car and drive towards it screaming angrily.

Q: What is the purpose of the rear view mirror?  
A: It is for checking to make sure your eyebrows are on "fleek"

Q: Why are there road signs?  
A: They are all pranks. You should spray paint them or run over them.

Q: This road is like a rollar coaster? How should I drive?  
A: Fast. And swerve a lot.

Q: How do I pass other cars on the road?  
A: Honk and floor your car. Try to drive around them, but it's no big deal if you accidentally go through them instead.

Q: The car in front of me is slow. How do I get it to go away?

A: You should pull alongside them and bump into them. If this fails, steer with your feet and climb through their driver's side window to slap them.

Q: My wife needs to go to the hospital NOW. Preferably safely. How do I drive?

A: You don't. Obi Wan does.

Q: There is a toll gate on the road? What do I do?

A: You should drive through it. When a letter comes in the mail informing you that you owe the government money, send them a letter stating "MAKE ME YOU IRS DESK SLUGS!"

Q: How do I drive over a bridge?

A: Like you are a drunk man with no concern for life. Including yours.

Q: How loud should my radio volume be?

A: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the radio. Could you repeat the question?

Q: The passengers in my car do not like my radio choice. How do I make them shut up?

A: Duct tape or a chainsaw. Both have proven working effects.

Q: How do I perform the great trick of 'Hit and run'?

A: With speed and obscenities.

Q: What is a 'fender bender'?

A: A fun prank to play on people. Do it as often as possible.

Q: What is a 'pothole'?

A: A joyful decoration added by the Road Making Companies. Drive over them very fast.

Q: I am surrounded by police cars. What do I do?

A: You should break out the silly string and firecrackers. Then you should floor it.

Q: Is spinning a good idea?

A: No, but it's a good trick.

 **Q: Hey! That's my line!  
A: Not anymore.  
**

Q: The 'check engine' light is on. What does that mean?

A: Nothing. If something explodes, it's completely coincidental.

Q: How often should I get gas?

A: Whenever your car suddenly stops and refuses to go anywhere. The "low gas" light will also be on.

Q: Should I drive a tractor trailer?

A: That depends. Is the guy selling them stupid enough to give one to you?

Q: What should I do if I drive by a mailbox?

A: Who drives by a mailbox? You're supposed to drive through them.

Q: Should I have a GPS?

A: Can you navigate your way out of the driveway?

Q: No.  
A: It wouldn't help you anyway.

Q: Why is the GPS Obi-Wan got for me so stupid?

A: Is it turned on?

Q: How do I tell?  
A: I don't know.

Q: What is the Anti-theft button for?

A: For making your passengers shut up for TWO SECONDS I'M TRYING TO DRIVE!

Q: What if the people in the backseat need to go to the bathroom?

A: Abandon them at a rest stop. They were taking up too much space anyway.

Q: What is a rest stop?

A: A place to abandon passengers.

Q: For my birthday I was thinking of getting myself a black ferrari and black sunglasses because it will make me look cool. Is this a good idea?

A: It is if you don't ask anyone this question ever again.

Q: When should I stop for food?

A: When you are hungry. Ignore the voices screaming that you haven't fed them since Wednesday.

Q: Ahsoka stole my donut!

A: Ahsoka is distracted right now. Offer to take her to a Dunkin Donuts and steal the donut she buys. Better yet, steal her wallet and buy donuts.

Q: Since I now have children, how do I keep them safe in the car?

A: Don't take them in the car. At no point allow them to even see a car.

Q: How do I make children shut up in the car?

A: I thought we weren't letting them in the car.

Q: AAAAGGGGHHHH!

A: This is why we don't let children in the car.

Q: Where is the best place to stop for the night?

A: The most expensive place possible. Remember, grab someone else's wallet when you pay.

Q: On a road trip, how should I pack the car?

A: Tightly enough that the passengers are on the roof. This makes it easier to fend them off.

Q: Can I make Obi-Wan ride on the roof?

A: Yes. Yes you can.

Q: Can I make Ahsoka ride on the roof?

A: Well, you can try. Watch the pointy teeth.

Q: Why can't I keep anything on the roof?

A: Because the passengers will throw it off in an attempt to get back at you for tying them to the roof.

Q: How often should I change my tires?

A: When the car is slanting down because the front tires have worn down too far.

Q: How often should I need to buy a new car?

A: When the one you have disintegrates instead of starting.

Q: This road sign says 'dead end'. What does that mean?

A: They are trying to keep you from driving on it. Full speed ahead.

Q: Should I be using driver's ed this much?

A: Considering your "driving" "skills", yes.

Q: How do I navigate a one way bridge?

A: Figure out which direction the other drivers are going. Go the other way because they are trying to trick you again.

Q: How do I drive on a one way road?

A: The opposite direction that everyone else is going. They are just playing their favorite trick on you again.

Q: What do you mean, this road only has one lane?

A: It means you can play extreme obstacle course while dodging trees.

Q: Something just flew out my car window. What was it?

A: Probably a passenger. Either way, doesn't matter.

Q: How and why do I switch gears?

A: Do I look like a mechanic to you?

Q: I have not seen a car on the road for around 10 hours. What does this mean?

A: You are probably not on the road.

Q: Explain the concept of 'turn signals'?

A: These are used to irritate other drivers. Turn them on 50 miles ahead of where you actually need to turn.

Q: Why can't I 'turn right on red'?

A: Because the road making companies are playing pranks on you yet again. Ignore those signs.

Q: Woops!

A: Drive quickly so that they don't see your license plate.

Q: What does 'detour' mean?

A: No one knows or cares.

Q: What if I can't see around a turn?

A: Floor it and yell. Also press your forehead against the horn. Anyone you might hit will move out of the way.

Q: I am in Amish Country and there are too many horse and buggies. What do I do?

A: You should break out the blasters and say "This is a stick up!" They will run and scream.

Q: I need to bring my wife in the car but there isn't enough space with the passengers. Who should I put on the roof?

A: Literally anyone but your wife or Ahsoka.

Q: SHE BIT MY ARM!

A: I warned you.

Q: What should I do if someone flips me off?

A: You should use your disemboweling fork from lobster night.

Q: My wallet is missing. Who took it?

A: Doesn't matter. Take anyone's.

Q: Why are my passengers singing?

A: Because you haven't used enough duct tape. If you are out of duct tape, rev the chainsaw.

Q: There is a tree down in the road but I need to go that way. How do I get through?

A: Your car will probably jump it if you go fast enough.

Q: Why am I in China?

A: When was the last time you had alcohol?

Q: My car exploded. Now my passengers and I are stuck in the middle of the Mexican desert. What should I do?

A: You should build a wall.

Q: Why are the squiggles on the road?

A: They keep the Oogie Boogie delegation and their floaty ball assassins at bay.

Q: How do I go through a tunnel?

A: At top speed with no headlights on with your head through the sunroof screaming about cashews.

Q: How the FUCK do I navigate the GODDAMN AIRPORT. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!

A: Drive onto a runway. Concerned airport employees will assist you at this point.

Q: I've been arrested. How do I break out of jail?

A: You are going to need a rope, a spoon, a wingman, money, and a lot of other things. Or an Obi Wan.

Q: Where are my keys?

A: My guess is in the trunk of the locked car with the windows up.

Q: Where is my car?

A: Check for disintegrated car on the ground. If your car hasn't disintegrated, I have no idea and I don't give a rat's ass.

Q: Where are my pants?

A: Check Padme's bedroom.

Q: What the heck is that?!

A: That is a moose with popcorn shoved up it's unmentionables. You were very drunk.

Q: There are farm animals crossing the road. How do I navigate this?

A: Rev the engine threateningly. If they don't move track down the farmer and gently persuade him with your lightsaber to move his animals.

Q: Why did my GPS bring me to Idaho?

A: Did you try at any point to program it?

Q: What is the big yellow one?

A: A giant potato chip. Eat it.

Q: I just hit a car which was carrying mafia. Help!

A: Now is the time to put the one driving skill you have to use. FLOOR IT NOW!

Q: Do YOU have a driver's license?

A: Not technically, no.


	2. Cleaning, AKA Don't

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

Q: What is a broom?

A: A what?

Q: What is a mop?

A: A drunken broom.

Q: What is "the laundry"?

A: A basket which you should hide your porn collection in. Cover it in dirty socks. No one will go near it.

Q: How do I do "the laundry"?

A: Fornicating with dirty clothes is disgusting and should not be attempted.

Q: That's disgusting!

A: Yes, that's what I said. Though I think women do something with some loud machine when they "do" the laundry. Just remember: If Padme ever gets a laundry basket while in bed, you hear someone calling you.

Q: Should I clean my room?

A: You have a room?

Q: How?

A: You may want to call a demolition team.

Q: Should I clean Obi-Wan's room?

A: I don't think that will be necessary.

Q: Should I clean Ahsoka's room?

A: Do you value your reproductive parts?

Q: Why is everyone yelling at me; I just cleaned their rooms!

A: Ignore the yelling. Run from the enraged Togruta with gardening shears.

Q: Why is my wife yelling at me?

A: Did you attempt to "do" the laundry?

Q: How do I wash the dishes?

A: Leave them in the sink for three hours and put them back in the cupboard.

Q: Was the washer supposed to explode?

A: No one has ever attempted to _use_ a washer before, so I am unable to answer this question.

Q: What is a 'vacuum'?

A: A loud machine to be used when you need to terrorize a cat.

Q: What number should I call if I want people to come clean the house for me?

A: You will want to connect through information. People don't like to enter your house.

Q: Where do I put the tissues?

A: In the refrigerator and freezer.

Q: How do I clean the fireplace?

A: You don't. You claim you did, and pray no one can actually tell what a clean fireplace looks like.

Q: Where do the candles go?

A: That depends, are they functional, decorational, scented, from a family member, color coordinated, contributory or detrimental to the Feng shui, . . . .

Q: Sorry I asked.

A: I wasn't done.

Q: Where do the chairs go?

A: In the closet.

Q: Where does the table go?

A: Wherever your wife says it does.

Q: How do I set up the beds?

A: You don't. You hire Steve and his pickup truck to set them up.

Q: What?

A: Search the town until you find a heavily muscled man driving a blue pick up truck. He will set up your beds.

Q: Where do these go?

A: In a floor pile.

Q: In what place should I put the pillows?

A: In a floor pile. Your wife will move them while grumbling about your horrible pillow-placing skills. Do not attempt to rebuke these grumblings.

Q: Where do I put the dishes when they have been washed (or so I said)?

A: Somewhere in some cupboard. Your wife will move them while grumbling about how you don't know where anything goes. Again, do not attempt to argue with her about this. Unless you find the couch comfortable and have an extensive porn collection.

Q: Would rearranging the house help to make people like me?

A: No. It would probably cause your wife to divorce you, assuming you understand how to move the 5,673 piece furniture your wife bought.

Q: I just rearranged everyone's bedrooms. Was this a good idea?

A: Run.

Q: RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!

A: I told you not to touch the antique-one-of-a-kind-cherry-oak-ash-engraved-decorative-watchamacallit.

Q: OOOOWWWWWW!

A: You need to run faster.

Q: What is the number for the hospital?

A: That depends. If your genitals are in danger, call 9-1-1. If not, run until you find a normal person and tell them to call the hospital.

Q: Can the people at the hospital reattach body parts?

A: The gardening shears should really not be kept in such an easily accessible place.

Q: Where can I hide gardening sheers?

A: We suggest burning them.

Q: Where should I hide my porn?

A: Under a lot of dirty socks.

Q: My wife found my porn. Is it believable if I say it was Obi-Wan?

A: Well, first of all, you obviously didn't use enough socks. And I wouldn't try it.

Q: I now have to clean the house for 2 months. Thanks.

A: I TOLD YOU NOT TO BLAME IT ON HIM!

Q: How do I make an I'm sorry flower garden?

A: You don't. Steve does.

Q: What are the right flowers?

A: Well, no matter what they are, make sure not to mention they were the ones left.

Q: How do I plant flowers?

A: Google is useful for this kind of information.

Q: Is my garden supposed to look like that?

A: That's a garden?

Q: I can't believe my wife liked my garden!

A: WHAT GARDEN!?

Q: Should I plant more flowers to make the house look nicer?

A: Honey, I don't think a professional florist and landscaper could make your house look nice if you try to do more gardening.

Q: Did I plant too many flowers?

A: Those are Venus Fly Traps. Good job.

Q: Where is the best place to hide from an angry Togruta?

A: Experts recommend Tartarus.

Q: How do I build a secret underground bunker _**fast**_?

A: An easier escape is to take the next right for the Secret Nuclear Bunker.

Q: Why can't I clean anything?

A: It's not in your character.

Q: How should I clean up the bathroom?

A: Run before you blow something up.

Q: How should I clean up the kitchen?

A: You shouldn't set foot in the kitchen.

Q: How should I clean up the living room?

A: Who thought you could do any of these things?

Q: How should I clean up the bedroom?

A: You should pay Ahsoka to clean up the bedroom.

Q: How to get magical cleaning powers?

A: Well, a sex change usually works. So does not being Anakin Skywalker.

Q: How should I make a nice romantic bath to make my wife happy and possibly forget the mess?

A: You should get her a gift certificate to a spa. Then you should call Steve to fix your bathroom which is now flooded.

Q: Maybe I'll bring everyone on vacation...

A: No.

Q: Or I could make food..

A: Definitely not.

Q: Yes, I will make a romantic dinner.

A: ARE YOU LISTENING TO ANYTHING I AM SAYING?!

Q: How do I get rid of Ahsoka and Obi-Wan?

A: Tell them you are going to cook dinner. Nothing could get rid of them faster.

Q: Are you qualified to be giving me this advice?

A: Are you qualified to operate a feather duster?

Q: You're the same person as the driver's ed advice guy, aren't you?

A: Says the person who broke a book case by using a feather duster. On the opposite side of the room. And I am of the female gender, _and_ I'm far more qualified for housework than you apparently are. Then again, so is a dead skunk.

Q: I will take no more advice from you!

A: Until you start trying to cook dinner.

Q: Now I will make dinner.

A: Sure you will.


	3. Cooking, AKA Mrs Wierman We Are Sorry

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

 **Swearing in this chapter**

Q: Where did I put the cookbooks?

A: You don't personally own cookbooks.

Q: Do I need an apron?

A: Do you know how to put an apron on?

Q: Will a chef's hat make me better at cooking?

A: Think of it this way: Will a baseball cap make you better at baseball?

Q: I found Obi-Wan's cookbook! Should I use it?

A: Put it down immediately. Before it starts spurting flames like the last book you picked up did.

Q: How do I read this?

A: You can read?

Q: I give up.

A: Well, the house is still standing.

Q: What kind of a pan is this? It looks like a plate with a handle on top.

A: So, a normal looking fry or sauce pan.

Q: What is a frying pan?

A: *facepalm*

Q: This bowl has tiny holes in it. How does it work?

A: That is a colander. You drain things in it.

Q: What is this grabby thing?

A: Perhaps I would tell you if you didn't have it so close to my face it's practically up my nose.

Q: Is this a can opener?

A: Nooooooo, it's a blanket!

Q: OWW!

A: Why would you scratch your nose with a can opener?

Q: Where can I buy magical cooking utensils?

A: From the same person you bought the unicorn from.

Q: Fine. Hahaha. What kind of romantic food would you recommend?

A: Flambe.

Q: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS A FLAMBE!?

A: Answer hazy. Ask again later.

Q: Describe a flambe.

A: Answer foggy. Ask again later.

Q: How do I make a flambe?

A: Answer misty. Ask again later.

Q: *sigh* Can I buy a flambe?

A: Probably. Somewhere.

Q: I trust your answering skills less and less by the second.

A: You do have a brain! But remember, I told you not to cook in the first place.

Q: What kind of foods can I make on a grill?

A: Can you operate a grill?

Q: Yes, I can make food on a grill.

A: But can you turn on the grill without burning down the neighborhood?

Q: Don't grills use propane to work?

A: No. They don't.

Q: Is propane explosive?

A: Just slightly.

Q: I think there's some propane in the garage.

A: Good. Leave it there.

Q: There it is!

A: LEAVE IT THERE YOU PIGEON BRAINED MORON!

Q: Woops!

A: And there goes Mrs. Wierman's house.

Q: That's unfortunate.

A: I hope you have a large bank account.

Q: Where can I order pizza?

A: From the pizza place.

Q: Do you think Padme will know I didn't make it?

A: Judging from your cooking skills, no I don't think she'll be able to tell at all.

Q: Where can I buy Chinese food?

A: From a Chinese food place.

Q: Will it be THAT obvious I didn't make it?

A: Considering the fact that you refer to it as Chinese food, yes, yes it will.

Q: How about McDonald's?

A: They don't sell food.

Q: I won't even ask if it is obvious.

A: Again, they don't sell food.

Q: How about we never come back to this house ever again?

A: I think Padme might notice that her husband had disappeared.

Q: I KNOW! I will call surprise vacation! We can go to Vegas! I will pick them all up and bring them to the airport. They will never know!

A: Do you remember what happened last time you went to Vegas?

Q: How can I pack their stuff?

A: They locked you out of the house.

Q: I'll just stuff all of their clothes into suitcases. Good thing we live in Delaware. No one will question an abandoned house. Right?

A: YOU FUCKING CHOSE TO FUCKING BUY A FUCKING HOUSE IN GODDAMN DELAWARE? WHERE THE FLYING FUCK OF HELL DID YOU FUCKING GET THE FUCKING IDEA THAT THAT WAS A FUCKING SMART DECISION YOU LILY LIVERED PIGEON BRAINED BOAR PIG?! (No offense to anyone who lives in Delaware. The part we drove through was disturbing. I'm sure there is a nice neighborhood there . . . somewhere.)

Q: Good thing I have enough money to buy airport tickets!

A: I'm telling Padme what you did to Mrs. Wierman's house.

Q: Shut up!

A: Just apologize and pray for forgiveness.

Q: Good! 4 flights to Vegas. BRING ALL THE MONEYS!

A: What moneys? You spent all the moneys bribing Mrs. Wierman to say a comet came out of the sky instead of you blew up a propane tank in her backyard while trying to start the grill.

Q: SAYONARA! I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN!

A: Oh yes you will.

Q: I promise I won't need any more advice from you.

A: That's what you think.

Q: Of course I can survive at the airport!

A: Again, that's what you think.


	4. The Airport, AKA SECURITY ALERT

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

 **Swearing in this chapter**

Q: Again, How the FUCK do I navigate the GODDAMN AIRPORT. IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!

A: Rule 1 of navigating airports is to locate the exit. Rule 2 is to take the exit.

Q: (After around 45 minutes driving around trying to understand this maze of ludicrous roads) There! We are parking there! Can we park there?

A: You can't park there. Parking is only allowed 20 miles back the other way.

Padme: You need to pay to park there.

Q: Padme, I know we have to pay. I'm getting my wallet.

A: You forgot your wallet.

Q: WHERE THE HELL IS MY WALLET!

A: At home. Or at what remains of home.

Q: Give it!

A: Talking to smoldering remains of houses is not a good sign of stable mental health.

Q: There. Here, sir. No, sir, that lady always bites. She has some issues.

A: And whose fault are the issues?

Q: Okay. Now what?

A: How should I know? You appear to have driven inside a bouncy house.

Q: No. That doesn't sound right.

A: OPEN YOUR DAMN EYES DOES THAT LOOK REMOTELY LIKE A BLOODY PARKING LOT?!

Q: Let's just bring our stuff in and figure it out there.

A: Yeah, that will work.

Q: Okay. So now we follow the people, right?

A: Those people are boarding an airplane to Taiwan. Are you going to Taiwan?

Q: Okay, so now we weigh our stuff with the clerks up there and they take our bags?

A: And then you never see those bags again.

Q: You can only have 1 carry on bag?

A: Yes. And remember, you have to actually be able to carry it.

Q: (45 minutes later) That was stressful.

A: Tell me when you find someone who calls airports relaxing.

Q: Do we have to go through security now?

A: I really don't think security is optional.

Q: *sigh* Great.

A: Isn't your arm metal?

Q: How are we going to get through security? They have an x-ray machine for both people and items, and we currently have on us a metal arm, three, no four lightsabers, and a blaster. Like they will let that on the plane.

A: I recommend this metho- Good lord! What could that be!?

Q: Do you think we can sneak around?

A: About as much as I think you can drive.

Q: Will causing a distraction work?

A: PUT THE PROPANE DOWN.

Q: Maybe if we just try, and when they find the weapons, we run for it. Will that work?

A: If you really want to get through the airport, drive through it. They will run.

Q: Let's just get it over with.

A: I want the video footage.

Worker: Please remove all jackets, shoes, socks, hats, and jewelry, first-born children and place them in a tub on the conveyor belt. You will not see them again. Computers and electronic devices must be placed in separate containers. For burning. No containers of liquid more than 4 oz. Remove all pacemakers, oxygen catheters and metal bone replacements such as hip or knee. No weapons, batteries, explosives, pointy objects, bones, nails longer than three centimeters, canine teeth, eyelashes, bullet bras, erect nipples or genitals, earrings, or anything with a consistency harder than jello. Then, please step into the x-ray machine.

Q: Did you understand that?

A: Understand what?

Q: Let's just do it.

A: Nike says they're suing you.

Clerk: Ummm… sir, you should come check out what's in these bags.

Clerk in charge: HOLY SHIT THATS A GUN!

At the same time…

Another clerk: Ma'am, please remove your headdress.

Ahsoka: NO! (takes out lightsaber)

Clerk: Weapon!

Also at the same time...

Yet another clerk: Sir, is your arm made of metal?

Q: Yes

A: And now, all hell breaks loose.

SECURITY ALERT!SECURITY ALERT!SECURITY ALERT!SECURITY ALERT!SECURIT..

Q: What should we do now?

A: Experts recommend vanishing.

Q: RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!

A: Or that. That could work too.

Q: That was stressful.

A: I warned you.

Q: How are we going to hide from the security?

A: You can't. You could hide your weapons, but I don't think you can take off your arm]

Q: Where can we buy food?

A: There's a vending machine. I don't know if they sell actual food from it, but there is a vending machine.

Q: Why don't we go to Starbucks?

A: Who knows. I have given up with you.

Q: STUPID COFFEE ENTHUSIASTS! I WANT MY COFFEE!

A: You can't take out your lightsaber. They will call security.

Q: Let's just get on the plane.

A: Or go home. Home would be better.

Q: Why do they make us wait like 2 hours to get on the plane?

A: It's an airport. What did you think would happen?

Q:Why do these people crowd around the door?

A: Because they were specifically told not to.

Approximately 172 hours later…

Obi Wan: We can board the plane now.

Padme: How?

Q: How do we board the plane?

A: Good luck.

Q: Just get in the line and do what everyone else is doing. Right?

A: Wrong line. That's the one going to Taiwan.

Clerk: Please get into your boarding groups, which will be boarded as follows: Super Extreme Premium Members, Extreme Premium Members, Premium Members, Super Extreme Members, Extreme Members, Super Members, Boarding group 1A, 1B, 1C, 1D, 2A, 2B,2C,2D, 3A,3B, 3C, 3D, hitchhikers, and floor trash.

Q:What?

A: No one knows. Just get in a line. Go on.

Q: Maybe our boarding group is on our tickets.

A: What tickets?

Q: WHERE THE FLYING FUCK ARE THE GODDAMN FUCKING TICKETS!

A:Oh, I canceled your flights.

Q: _**WHAT !**_

A: Bon voyage!

Q: _**DIE!**_

A: And thank you for using this Q & A for all of your driving/cleaning/cooking/airport needs, have a nice day!


End file.
